See that look? That's sheer and utter defeat. For a second, I thought that DLO had accidentally slipped an iPhone into the box with the Jam Jacket case they sent along. Nope. That just a cardboard replica. Sure, it's fun to run around the office and trick coworkers into thinking that I'd been the recipient of some Willy Wonka-esque golden cell phone promotion, but said amusement soon gave way to disappointment, when I remembered that this iPhone's only features are papercuts and kindling. Bah.

So, here I am, sans iPhone, like the rest of the sad mortals on this crazy planet [except, of course, for the 4 golden journalists who shall not be named]. Only thing is, I've got a nice new case for my non-existent iPhone. So what's a guy to do with a Jam Jacket and no jams to kick out?

I did what any good gadget geek would: I tried to fill the iPhone-shaped void both in my heart and Jam Jacket with anything I could get my hands on. Check out my pathetic shame spiral, after the jump.

My 5G iPod. Does pretty well on the music side, but gets really poor reception..

Promotional USB key. PC and Mac compatible. Poor Screen resolution.

McLusky CD. Generally rocking, but scratches easily.

Dry erase marker. Durable, but cannot play YouTube videos.

Jeremy Tinder minicomic. Entertaining, no A2DP support.

Banana. Comes with protective casing. Looks like phone, but touchpad is not very responsive.

Half of a wholewheat bagel, toasted with cream cheese. Tasty, poor battery life.

Miniature good-luck cat. Lightweight, no Linux support.

One slightly-used New Balance sneaker, blue, size 10.5. Stylish, no built-in camera.

There you have it. There are a lot of iPhone imposters in the world, but nothing comes close to the real thing. I guess I'll have to wait until 6PM like the rest of the world. In the meantime, I'll just cry into my banana.